Fart Water

I like carbonated water, but I also try to be a minimalist (of sorts). So I have a Soda Stream—which means I can turn a normal bottle of water into a fizzy delight, and all I have to do is replace the CO2 canister every once in a while.

The Soda Stream makes a loud, strange buzzing noise during the carbonation process, and because T is a boy, and he’s 9, and because I, in general, think potty talk is actually quite hilarious: we’ve dubbed this process ‘making fart water’. He always giggles and asks how my fart water tastes, and I, in turn, giggle back.

This always seems innocent enough in the confines of my house. But tonight we were at a family fair for his after-school program when fart water turned up in conversation. He was eating pizza and drinking a pop. He asked if I wanted a sip of his pop, and I said that, while I appreciated the offer, I was all set.

“I know, I know,” T said. “You don’t like pop.”

“Right,” I replied.

“But you sure do like wine a whole lot, Amy.”

“What does that have to do with pop?”

“Well, Amy—you also really like coffee a lot. You don’t like to get out of bed on Saturday unless someone makes you coffee.”

“Right. Still not seeing the connection to pop, though.”

“And, and. And Amy, you sure do like fart water.”

We were sitting at a table full of other students and their parents, so I did a casual glance around, just to take stock of anyone who may now think I’m a caffeine-addicted-alcoholic who drinks farts.

T is very perceptive, so he knew what I was doing. Without hesitation, his hand flew to his mouth to create the illusion that he was about to tell me a secret. He then proceeded to declare, in a very loud voice:

“Well, I guess I shouldn’t say ‘fart water’ too loud, huh, Amy? People around here are going to think that we just fart into our water and then drink it. But they’ll think we mean, like, the gross farts. The farts that come out of our butts. They’ll think we drink butt farts. So I guess I’ll stop saying that now, huh, Amy?”

“Right, dude. Good call.”

But, also, I was turning red trying to hold in my laughter. For all the struggles, moments like this are pure joy.